And if you get down to it, I am not really a runner. I am a run/walker who does that for ridiculously long distances and times. But for simplicity sake, let's just call me a runner.
I miss dancing. I love dancing. I feel dancing in my guts and the desire to dance is present with me whenever I hear music. Even music I don't particularly like, still makes me think of how I could move my body to it.
I do not love running. I don't even really like running. But I can run without judging myself (too much). I have zero talent for running. No amount of work and time spent training will ever make me an elite runner. With running, I can let go of the relentless and unreasonable perfectionism I judge myself by, and just go. I will never be a great runner, so it is ok for me to be a bad runner.
Running half marathons and marathons requires work. It requires training. It requires preparation and weeks of dedication and a plan. (And, if you are me, it requires a calendar where you can put sparkle stickers up to see your progression and training success. And costumes. But that is a whole other blog post.) It isn't something that anyone off the street can just get up and do on a whim (or at least, not without wrecking themselves).
But, even as a fat girl, even as a non-athlete, even as a bad runner, if I stick to the plan and work hard, I can finish a race.
With running, finishing is winning. Winning in a way I never allowed myself with dancing, because I couldn't (and can't) let go of the idea that I should be a good dancer.
With running, I allow myself to be proud. Proud of my accomplishment, proud of all the work I did, proud of finishing. In a way that I don't have in any other area of my life, running makes me feel good about myself.
There is a reason I cry during every race I do. But for once, it isn't depression.
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