Everything I do seems to be turning to fail these days. In January, there was an Incident (that I don't care to detail) that made me feel like a fail at running. And a cheat. And basically hate all things.
Today, I canceled my contract with the Super Trainers. I realized that I dreaded going so much I was making myself ill. The ST focus on young, fit, strong, elite athletes, not fat middle-aged broken people like me. And while that wasn't as much of a problem when I was there with only a few people, lately it has been PACKED (with more people than the contract states actually) and almost all of them are super hero level athletes. My back-up plan was to go to their other less crowded location. But for reasons beyond their control, I am not allowed to go to that location now, that location is only for young people.
So all that added up into me feeling completely out of place and like I didn't belong there. Plus, the crowds turned it into almost a regular gym--I originally went to this place because I thought it would never be crowded, because I can't do that with my mental issues.
Additionally, while the coaches were always friendly and available for questions, I felt largely ignored in favor of the young folks, who got more direction and more attention. I mean, I know my exercises are lame and I probably couldn't hurt myself doing them if I tried, but I rarely got any correction and I can't have been doing everything perfectly.
And because I am broken (bad elbows, bad knees, bad feet), my workouts always felt kinda lame. I am sure there was a reason for everything I was doing, but I never knew what the reasons were and the coaches didn't have time to explain their thinking for everything in my program. So I just felt stupid and like I wasn't making any progress.
I am not sure how/if I will do any strength training anymore now. I know I need it, but I have so many physical issues that I don't think I can do an off-the-shelf program without hurting myself. And I don't know how to modify. And can't afford one-on-one sessions with anyone who has the specialized knowledge for remedial training for broken people.
So another mark on the fail board. It's getting pretty crowded too.
